The Beach & Other Happenings

I cannot begin to tell you how busy work has been.

When work is busy, I don't blog.  I spend a majority of my time online at work and so I do a majority of my web stuff from work.  The last thing I want to do when I get home is go online -- I rarely (if ever) do.  

So when work is super busy, I don't blog.  I can blog during lunch (which is when I do log on to write) but even during lunch I find myself working.  It sucks.  It really really does.

I wanted to log on to update... though, it's not going to be a good update.

I haven't logged on to Weight Watchers much.  I find it so tedious, logging on and counting up points.  I keep telling myself that I'm keeping the count of points in my head.  In the morning, I have my cereal and coffee, my lunch, and then dinner at home -- usually around the points I'm allowed at the end of the day (more or less).  So why log on to count them, right?  Right.  Well, I'm paying for the damn program so I should.  Also, I haven't lost weight so I'm obviously kidding myself on keeping the count of points in my head.  See, this is what happens when you're a smart ass like I am.  I feel as if I'm smarter than the system and so don't follow the rules.  So I don't log on.  I don't keep count.  And I don't lose weight.

Does that mean I've fallen from the diet wagon (yet again)?  Sort of yes and sort of no.  I'm not keeping a strict point-driven diet like I should via WW.  Though, I am more aware of what I am eating.  I've eliminated soft drinks entirely (a big BIG deal for me), I try not to have the bad stuff as often (usually sweets), and I'm trying to keep to a portion size that's reasonable.  In other words, I'm more aware of what I'm eating than I ever have been before.  I just now have to keep count of it so I can restrict my diet to the points I'm allowed daily.

I haven't lost weight but I haven't gained weight.  BUT, that's not where I want to be.  I have got to lose weight and the only way I can will be getting my act together.  Weight Watchers has got to be my priority.  Its talking myself into it that's my real battle.  Do you know how hard it is to tell yourself you don't know everything?  It's harder than losing the weight, I think.  

You see, I'm a stubborn smart ass.  Mitzie knows everything so she can NEVER be wrong.  Unless when she is wrong, she'll admit it and move on.  Thing is, thinking that way is screwing me over big time.  It seriously is a battle against myself most of the time.  "If you eat that piece of cake today, you can eliminate having it on the weekend and it'll pan out.  Come on, you know you want it.  It's only like 3 or 4 points tops.  Do itttttt."  I know that voice is wrong.  Yet, I listen to it.  Damn you, Mitzie!!!!  

Weight Watchers isn't a lost cause yet.  I'm going to stick to it as much as possible.  I promise!

Anyway, I went to the beach two weekends ago.  I didn't do much this past weekend because cramps grounded me for most of it.  Fucking cramps, man.  Being a girl sucks sometimes.  

I went to Redondo Beach with my sister and her kids.  I hadn't been to the beach in the past few months so I was dying to go.  I LOVE that beach.  It is the beach we were raised going to.  The day was overcast and a bit chilly but that's really when I love the beach the most.  I'm not a fan of the sun. 

Anyway, we played on the beach, ate fish & chips, and a slice of pizza (a tradition of ours), played a few games at the arcade, and overall enjoyed the day.  I love those days.  I miss those days.  I missed going out to my favorite places.  My sister actually went back to Redondo this past weekend but I was in too much pain to go (sigh).  So, at least I'm keeping to my "go out more" pledge.  It's actually been so much fun to go out and enjoy stuff I use to love to do.  I know today is Monday but I'm so ready for weekend to come -- wherever I end up going is going to be better than staying home and taking Midol all damn day like this past weekend!

Photo skillz, son.  Yeah, I totally got them.

Weight Watchers, it begins

It has begun.  

I'm a day late in posting this - technically, I'm on Weight Watchers Day #2 today.

Anyway, point counting has begun.  I did okay on Day #1.  Not as great as I would have wanted to do but I did okay.  I had a light (lighter than usual) serving for breakfast (cereal), a smaller lunch than usual, but dinner did me in.  I was starving by the time I got home after work so I ate a full dinner.  I did try to control my intake as much as possible but I'm so sure I went over by a few points with that dinner last night.  I will pat myself in the back because I avoided snacking in the afternoon and late evening.  I usually like to eat something sweet between lunch and dinner and after dinner.  So, first day wasn't a complete success but it wasn't a complete failure either.

On to Day #2.  I did eat a bit more breakfast than yesterday so that will bite into my lunch points.  I'm having a light lunch again today so I should make do.  I just hope I don't fail with dinner.  The first few days are the hardest, right?  Points, man.  They are the ones helping me get to my goal but what a bitch to keep track of.  I'll do it though, I WILL do it.

As a way to help my activity level - because I do no exercise whatsoever - I am starting to make myself do stuff.  I work in a school so I am sitting at a desk behind a computer 40+ hours a week.  I get home late in the evenings and usually plant myself on the couch and don't move all night.  On weekends, I really only do stuff on Saturdays.  Sundays are reserved for kick backs -- mainly, stay in and relax.  

The more I force myself to go out and move around, the better.  The school I work at has a gym (free membership for me, yay!), so I want to start working out during the week.  I was suppose to start during Day #1 but I didn't. I wanted to work out today, Day #2, and I forgot my gym clothes at home - ARGH!  So, I'll most likely start tomorrow.  I work out during my hour long lunch break.  I can't stay after work because I carpool to work.  If I can walk the treadmill for at least 45 minutes, then I'm golden.  Better than sitting at my desk for lunch, like I usually do.

Along with working out, I want to get out more.  I started this past Saturday by taking my niece and nephew to the California Science Center.  I hadn't been to this museum in at least 10 years (never mind the fact that I live 10 minutes away from it, jeez).  Wow, tons of fun!  Endeavour was kick ass and inspirational!  It was a real eye opener how much I missed going out to places I use to love to  visit.  I've become such a shut in the past few years, it's so sad.  I can't blame it on anything other than just plain laziness.  And money woes.  I think we've all had money woes the past few years.  But, the money situation is actually in a better place right now so I don't have that excuse anymore.  And laziness is really no excuse to keep me from doing anything.

So, to add to my activities agenda, I plan to get out and explore Los Angeles.  I live in one of the most popular cities in the world and I go nowhere to enjoy it.  I usually tell everyone that I love Los Angeles because I'm a beach person (and I really am), but I visit the beach maybe 3-4 times a year.  3-4 times a year!!  I won't even begin to tell you how often I don't go to other L.A. attractions (the Griffith Observatory hasn't been visited since it's renovation yearssss ago!) because it's just too sad to even admit.  I plan to fall in love with my city again and so I'm going to get out and explore it.

I'm kinda feeling happy.  That's sort of a big deal.  And I can't wait until the kinda falls from that first sentence.  I have a feeling that it will.  Very soon.

My niece & I with Endeavour in the background.  I have no idea who the dude behind me is but he was in almost every picture I took.

Ze Diet Tis Good.

I'm not a complete twit with current technology but this is going to sound ridiculous to even admit, I didn't realize how much information the interwebs really has.  Good God, Google is amazing!  Interwebs, you amaze me.

I set out to start researching what best diet paths to follow.  I always think of dieting to mean that you are cutting back what you eat and start to exercise.  Since I've failed at dieting, I wanted to follow an actual legit diet plan this time around.  I'm trying my best to find a diet I can actually handle and not fail at.  I say this because the last diet I tried - Atkins, you SOB - I failed miserably.  That was a harsh diet.

Whenever I ask anyone how'd they learn to do anything new, almost everyone responds with "Google" or "YouTube."  So, Google was first. 

Dude, Google.

I did a search for diet blogs and got 218,000,000 hits (in 0.26 seconds as it liked to point out).  I breezed through the first few pages and.... amazing.  Just, amazing.  I already have favorites and am SO ready to get this diet underway.  By the way, these pages are really cool:

• http://www.diet-blog.com/
• http://www.bestdiettips.com/content/blogcategory/3/54
• http://ronisweigh.com/
• http://www.dietsinreview.com/diet_column/
• http://happyweightafter.blogspot.com/

And tons more, of course, but I'm really liking those pages.  I still have a few more millions hits to go through but I really liked those pages.  I haven't done YouTube yet because I really just want to read as much as possible and get inspired by others' stories.  I just love blogs (obviously).

The trend on most of the blogs I've read to lose weight have been either to completely cut everything out of your life (a life revamp, if you will) or getting the lap-band surgery.

Ok, so I'll admit I have strongly considered the lap-band surgery.  Here are my pros and cons:

Cons: I am deathly afraid of the surgery itself (it might be a simple surgery but it's still a surgery).  Once you get the lap-band put in, it stays in forever.  I get that dieting and watching what I'll eat is a lifetime commitment so why should dieting and the lap-band be any different, right?  However, after reading what you can eat and how you eat after the surgery - blending your food to be able to eat/process it and super small portions at that - sounds like a shitty way to live life.  Food is one of the joys in life and I can only have bite sizes of it FOREVER?  Good grief.  Also, I've read a few horror stories (bands slipping and repetitive surgeries) and those are nothing to laugh at.  It could potentially kill you, hello that's kind of a big ass deal!

Pros: You will lose weight.  Massive amounts of it.  And most likely keep it off.  This is a dangerous to know especially when you are a person that tends to do badly in plateaus during dieting like I do.  There are plateaus with the lap-band but they don't seem to last very long -- you will be losing weight almost every weigh in you do, or the doctor will keep tightening your belt until you barely can eat at all.  I think of it as a magic pill, the solution to the problem -- you'll lose the weight almost overnight and get to be skinny, yay!

Verdict: Let it be a last alternative.  I am not completely closing the door to it but I'm not strongly considering it either.  Let me give myself a chance to win this battle on my own.  I use to think that getting the lap-band was a person quitting and taking the easy way out.  BUT, I don't believe that now.  I've read boards and blogs and I now know that I was an idiot to think that.  We all have our weight problems and deal with them differently.  When you're 300+ lbs. and have tried everything, have failed, and this is the only way you'll be able to lose the weight?  Get it done.  For most people, it is a last alternative -- it's that or death.  For me though, it's an alternative that I hope not to need.

I will admit though, I've switched my HMO medical plan to PPO.  For a few reasons -- a) I want to be able to see more than my regular doctor and getting a referral to see specialists is a real bitch with HMO plans, b) should lap-band come to pass, PPO will help pay for it, and c) the more choices I have, the easier my life will be.  If I want to see a therapist, I will see one because I want to and not because I've explained to my primarily healthcare provider why I deserve to see one.

So, what's the game plan?

First of all, Weight Watchers.

Just like me, I joined WW a few months ago and have rarely logged on to use it.  Don't let me start rambling about the year I payed for the gym membership that I used twice.  Soooo much money wasted, sigh.  I refuse to pay for WW for a year and not use it.

My biggest problem is figuring out how to use it properly.  I swear I'm not an idiot but when I see numbers, I pretty much zone out.  I went online and God that webpage is so fucking complicated.  I just want to document my breakfast and move on WW, not tell you the story of my life!  I'm going to be logging on a bit more because I have to learn to use that webpage.  I'm online all day at work so logging on to the webpage and totaling my points during the day is going to be a easy.  I also downloaded the app on my iPhone for nights and weekends.

I'm allowed 40 points a day.  I AM sticking to that as much as possible.  But first, learning how to track those points.  I'll be damned if the screen below is gonna stop me from losing weight!

The diet plan for now is moderation.  Start cutting out the bad stuff completely (soft drinks, you're out!) and start to learn what is good foods (veggies), what are bad foods (pasta & breads) and what 40 points a day really means.  And water, I must drink lots and lots of water.  I drink about half a glass of water a day (sadly, I'm not kidding) so I have got to start drinking water.  Let's see how this first week will go.

Ze diet tis good.  Ze diet wilt not kill me.  Ze points, they are no enemy of mine!  *I picture myself as a sophisticated French woman in the 60's while I say this.  My brain is weird.*

Hell hath no fury like the WW tracking system.

Eloquence Is Key

Let me write this blog for myself.  

The last few years that I've blogged - which hasn't been very much - has been such a chore to me.  Mostly because I am thinking that my writing has to be eloquent, strong, and persuasive -- cause you know, someone out there is reading what I wrote and therefore it is a reflection of who I am.  I can't let my poor education show, you know.  (Not that I'm ragging on my education because I paid a shitload to get it [college, I mean], but I went to high school in the middle of the ghetto so yeah).  I don't write with big fancy words.  I don't speak with big fancy words.  I understand them but I just don't use them very much.

When I write a blog, an essay, anything really, I have to watch my wording.  My routine is to think of the sentence first and then write it.  Then re-read it and change it as you go.  By doing that, whatever I wanted to say would change.  I went from writing what I actually thought to what I would want others to read.  Like translating between languages, the meaning was lost.

I don't want to lose the meaning of what my thoughts and words will mean.

So, I'm going to write this blog for myself.  Shitty words/phrasing and all. 

If you don't like it, move on.  If you do, welcome.

I want to redo this blog because I'm coming up to a period in my life where I want to reflect and change things.  Things haven't been that great.  And I'm coming to a period in my life where I'm going to need words to get me to rethink and change a few things.  In other words, a journal.  So, if this is so private then why blog, right?  Well, because you might be going through this struggle too.  And I want you to know that I feel you.  Believe me, I feel you.

Let me start by saying that, I'm unhappy right now.  On the surface, I'm all smiles and sunshine.  Inside however, I'm not.

I'm struggling through a major problem -- my weight.

I've had my struggles.  Pretty major ones.  But this one, lord help me I just cannot conquer.

This problem is affecting everything in my life.  Everything.

To begin, I have tried to lose weight for years and years.  It's been one diet fad after the other.  One failure after the other. The plateaus kill me.  All the struggling - the no eating, the exercising, and no weight loss.  None.  So, I  give up.  I regain the few pounds and then some after every diet ordeal.

Secondly, I am tired of being invisible.  No one wants to fix me up with their single friends (heaven forbid you'd think of this single girl, though of course they mention it right in front of me).  No one wants to invite me anywhere because really am I even there?  No one will randomly think, "hey, I bet Mitzie would like to do XYZ or hang out with us."  I am no one's first pick, first thought.  Do you have any idea how that feels?  To walk into a room, a party, anywhere really and be invisible?  You're the fat one so naturally who would want to include you in a conversation or hang out or fix you up with any other single they know.  Invisibility man, it is a real bitch.

Thirdly, I worry for my health.  I'm taking two types of blood pressure medicine and a diabetic medicine (not diabetic yet, pre-diabetic for sure).  When I went to my doctor feeling really lousy a few months ago (because I was so convinced that I was diabetic), she placated me and told me to diet.  Well, thanks a lot -- that fixes everything!  And I did diet and lost 6 pounds.  Then plateaued and regained them back.  So now, more medicine and more to come if I continue to gain weight.  When I cried to my doctor about dying of diabetes, she answered me with, "well, my biggest worry is you getting a heart attack before worrying about diabetes."  Holy fucking hell!  So now I have to worry about heart attacks?!  I'm 32 fucking years old!!!  I am literally going to kill myself with food.  Both of my grandmothers died of heart problems, my grandfather of diabetes, more than half of my family is overweight.  Am I destined for this?  Am I destined to die at 300 lbs. (not at that weight yet but I'm getting close to it, unfortunately)?  

Lastly, the itty bitty dream.  This is a silly dream to have but I want to shop for clothes in a regular size store. Not Lane Bryant, not Woman's Plus Size sections.  A regular clothing store.  I want to ask for the medium, not the extra extra large.  I want to get admiring looks as I walk down the hall.  Shit, I want to get a wolf whistle if I can.  I want to look down at my feet and be able to see my feet without having to push my head forward to see them.  I'm not a vain person -- believe me, I'm not -- but I want that experience.  I want to do what regular size girls get to do.  And not just to get a date or the admiring looks... I want it because I haven't had that in a very very long time.  I just want a little bit of the normal.

So, right now I'm just thinking of what to do.  Oh Mitzie Mitzie, what are you going to do?  Are you going to diet?  Are you going to try yet again?  Are you going to change anything in your life or keep wishing and mopping and not do anything at all?

I'll tell you this, my friends.  When your life is an unhappy one, it makes you bitter.  It makes you jealous.  Bitterness and jealousy are lousy bed fellows.  They make your life a much more worse one.  

I am tired of being bitter.  I am tired of being jealous.  I am tired of being invisible.  I don't want any of that in my life.  If I keep walking this path, I'll find myself a 300 lb. bitterly jealous woman with no friends/boyfriend and invisible to everyone around me.

NO.  No.

I don't know what I'm going to do.  Right now, I'm researching what my best options will be.  If I diet, I want it to be a diet I can handle.  Failure should not be an option to consider.  And I (for the first time in my life) really want to go talk to a therapist.  I need to deal with the problem of over-eating most of all.  Why must I overeat?  The world isn't going to end if I don't have a full meal.

Anyway, I'm going to work through many things.  I am happy that I am coming to this crossroad now.  I'd rather acknowledge the problem than to keep ignoring it.  The only person that can change my life is myself.

I'm not giving up on myself quite yet.

Because, Goonies never say die.