Eloquence Is Key

Let me write this blog for myself.  

The last few years that I've blogged - which hasn't been very much - has been such a chore to me.  Mostly because I am thinking that my writing has to be eloquent, strong, and persuasive -- cause you know, someone out there is reading what I wrote and therefore it is a reflection of who I am.  I can't let my poor education show, you know.  (Not that I'm ragging on my education because I paid a shitload to get it [college, I mean], but I went to high school in the middle of the ghetto so yeah).  I don't write with big fancy words.  I don't speak with big fancy words.  I understand them but I just don't use them very much.

When I write a blog, an essay, anything really, I have to watch my wording.  My routine is to think of the sentence first and then write it.  Then re-read it and change it as you go.  By doing that, whatever I wanted to say would change.  I went from writing what I actually thought to what I would want others to read.  Like translating between languages, the meaning was lost.

I don't want to lose the meaning of what my thoughts and words will mean.

So, I'm going to write this blog for myself.  Shitty words/phrasing and all. 

If you don't like it, move on.  If you do, welcome.

I want to redo this blog because I'm coming up to a period in my life where I want to reflect and change things.  Things haven't been that great.  And I'm coming to a period in my life where I'm going to need words to get me to rethink and change a few things.  In other words, a journal.  So, if this is so private then why blog, right?  Well, because you might be going through this struggle too.  And I want you to know that I feel you.  Believe me, I feel you.

Let me start by saying that, I'm unhappy right now.  On the surface, I'm all smiles and sunshine.  Inside however, I'm not.

I'm struggling through a major problem -- my weight.

I've had my struggles.  Pretty major ones.  But this one, lord help me I just cannot conquer.

This problem is affecting everything in my life.  Everything.

To begin, I have tried to lose weight for years and years.  It's been one diet fad after the other.  One failure after the other. The plateaus kill me.  All the struggling - the no eating, the exercising, and no weight loss.  None.  So, I  give up.  I regain the few pounds and then some after every diet ordeal.

Secondly, I am tired of being invisible.  No one wants to fix me up with their single friends (heaven forbid you'd think of this single girl, though of course they mention it right in front of me).  No one wants to invite me anywhere because really am I even there?  No one will randomly think, "hey, I bet Mitzie would like to do XYZ or hang out with us."  I am no one's first pick, first thought.  Do you have any idea how that feels?  To walk into a room, a party, anywhere really and be invisible?  You're the fat one so naturally who would want to include you in a conversation or hang out or fix you up with any other single they know.  Invisibility man, it is a real bitch.

Thirdly, I worry for my health.  I'm taking two types of blood pressure medicine and a diabetic medicine (not diabetic yet, pre-diabetic for sure).  When I went to my doctor feeling really lousy a few months ago (because I was so convinced that I was diabetic), she placated me and told me to diet.  Well, thanks a lot -- that fixes everything!  And I did diet and lost 6 pounds.  Then plateaued and regained them back.  So now, more medicine and more to come if I continue to gain weight.  When I cried to my doctor about dying of diabetes, she answered me with, "well, my biggest worry is you getting a heart attack before worrying about diabetes."  Holy fucking hell!  So now I have to worry about heart attacks?!  I'm 32 fucking years old!!!  I am literally going to kill myself with food.  Both of my grandmothers died of heart problems, my grandfather of diabetes, more than half of my family is overweight.  Am I destined for this?  Am I destined to die at 300 lbs. (not at that weight yet but I'm getting close to it, unfortunately)?  

Lastly, the itty bitty dream.  This is a silly dream to have but I want to shop for clothes in a regular size store. Not Lane Bryant, not Woman's Plus Size sections.  A regular clothing store.  I want to ask for the medium, not the extra extra large.  I want to get admiring looks as I walk down the hall.  Shit, I want to get a wolf whistle if I can.  I want to look down at my feet and be able to see my feet without having to push my head forward to see them.  I'm not a vain person -- believe me, I'm not -- but I want that experience.  I want to do what regular size girls get to do.  And not just to get a date or the admiring looks... I want it because I haven't had that in a very very long time.  I just want a little bit of the normal.

So, right now I'm just thinking of what to do.  Oh Mitzie Mitzie, what are you going to do?  Are you going to diet?  Are you going to try yet again?  Are you going to change anything in your life or keep wishing and mopping and not do anything at all?

I'll tell you this, my friends.  When your life is an unhappy one, it makes you bitter.  It makes you jealous.  Bitterness and jealousy are lousy bed fellows.  They make your life a much more worse one.  

I am tired of being bitter.  I am tired of being jealous.  I am tired of being invisible.  I don't want any of that in my life.  If I keep walking this path, I'll find myself a 300 lb. bitterly jealous woman with no friends/boyfriend and invisible to everyone around me.

NO.  No.

I don't know what I'm going to do.  Right now, I'm researching what my best options will be.  If I diet, I want it to be a diet I can handle.  Failure should not be an option to consider.  And I (for the first time in my life) really want to go talk to a therapist.  I need to deal with the problem of over-eating most of all.  Why must I overeat?  The world isn't going to end if I don't have a full meal.

Anyway, I'm going to work through many things.  I am happy that I am coming to this crossroad now.  I'd rather acknowledge the problem than to keep ignoring it.  The only person that can change my life is myself.

I'm not giving up on myself quite yet.

Because, Goonies never say die.